Would I do it again?

The Irish singer Gilbert O'Sullivan sings "It seems to me that there are more hearts broken in the world that can't be mended left unattended. What do we do? What do we do?

We wait it out. Like today. The first time someone referred to me as stalwart I was so offended. It's all my own fault. Words like capable, talented, confident, strong, intelligent, faithful, empathetic, compassionate, passionate and so on put me in the position of always being so "there" for others that in the process I became invisible.

The general consensus seems that invisible people do not have needs or feelings. Invisible people have no inner wounds. You cannot hurt invisible people with words or actions. Invisible people have no desires and certainly no preferences. Invisible people do the right thing and no waves will be forthcoming. Invisible people certainly do not require effort from others.

God saw me. He was there when I made a childish teenage choice of a husband I was deeply in love with. He agreed to this change in the plan that had been set forth for me. He saw me as the man/child bore the thievery of his own childhood upon me in the worst kinds of spousal abuse as I bore him two beautiful babies. I understood. God warned me it would be hard but He would help me every step of the way. He made a way out of the poor choice. He protected my life as I protected theirs. I understood. I gave up my planned life for them. I tried. I persevered. I got educated in a field that bore little resemblance to my desires. I understood. I worked corporate.

Corporate! I swore I would never ever ever. But I did. I did it for my kids. No welfare life. No section 8 housing. I wanted them to have what I had. I fought for them. I fought with them. To be smarter. Better. I understood. I learned to like my life. I learned to appreciate what I had to work for. I spent little on myself. I went without. I became invisible. I understood as I became a non-entity in my circle's eyes.

God saw me. He provided His own mentorship the likes that very few are allowed. Little did I understand the weight of this gift or how it would see me through what the impending shoes were about to drop or how I would later mentor and teach others.

God saw me. He helped me endure the tragic and untimely deaths of my sisters. I understood. He helped me endure the years and years of the never ending reminder that my dad was dying at any moment. I understood. He helped me endure the death of my brother. I understood, He help me endure the loss of my mom even as she lived. I understood. He helped me endure her choosing to no longer mother her last child surviving child, me, anymore. I understood.

But God saw me. He understood. He allowed my career to progress and to provided better for my children. In doing so, they did not understand. We moved. They did not understand. I married again. They did not understand. We married into a large unyielding family. They did not understand. I understood. I lived with post traumatic stress disorder. They did not understand. God did. He and I grew closer with each battle.

God saw me. God saw my losses. God saw my mistakes. God saw I tried. God never took Hs eyes off of me. God blessed me. I understood. God loves me. I am His beloved. I am His anointed as just a regular person who has been specially set apart for God's plan and purposes just as it says in the New Covenant, all Christians are anointed who are baptized in the Holy Spirit.

God saw those who failed me. He will talk to them. God saw those who put themselves first. He will talk to them. God understands. A broken commandment is a broken commandment. They don't understand. For those who do not honor their father and mother and give disrespect to them in thought, word or deed are as guilty as those who commit murder. They don't understand.

God will talk to those who harmed this child of His as it says in Psalms 105:15 "Saying, Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm." They will soon understand.

God sees me. He knows the ending hour of my life. Should it come later than sooner, I understand. If I leave now, the devil will have no competition for those I care for.

God sees me. Because of Him, I willingly forgive. I understand. I live to serve... my Father in heaven. Yes He really does exist. I am not alone at all. Neither are you.